The Loneliness of Intelligence
“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.”
Ignorance is bliss, that's for sure.
And if that's true of ignorance, where does that leave intelligence?
I have to admit, this is a bit difficult to speak about. Not because of any sense of humility or shame, rather because of its subjectivity. There is, in my opinion, no reliable universal measure of intelligence. Some people are creative, some are good with numbers, some can write the most moving speech you've ever heard. There is rarely one person who can do it all. Nonetheless, I write this because of what I've been told, what I've read and how I feel.
Intelligence hurts. It sometimes feels like no one understands. It can be lonely, trying to explain an idea or issue to someone else who simply can't understand without a specific overview of how one came to the conclusion in question. It can be strenuous, since these big ideas are always rambling on in your head sometimes with no end in sight. It can be disheartening, knowing that for everything that is known there is still so much left to be discovered and learned. It can hurt, being hyperaware of the sufferings, shortcomings and sicknesses of those around you.
I know this, because this is all true of me.
Now I know at least a few people will read this and think, "This guy is bragging about how smart he is! What a pretentious jagoff."
I've long wrestled with my own insecurities and still do to a degree I fail to communicate with a single person (which I know I should fix...I'm trying). But after years of introspection and advice from friends, I think I'm ready to admit it: I am intelligent. I'm no genius, I didn't (and would never) score a perfect on my SAT, I do not expect to get a perfect score on my GRE or LSAT in the future. However, I know that I have a keen ability to wrestle with complexities and philosophize abstract ideas. Better yet, what I love most is finding the basic commonality that draws more people to the idea so that all may learn or benefit. It's what I love to do, and it's why I want to teach one day.
However, this level of intelligence (however measurable it may be) has not developed without cost. As I've stated in a number of places online, my struggles with mental illness have taken a toll on me. My pursuit of truth has, at times, exacerbated this. I've felt alone and unable to relate or communicate with other people. I'd hole up and read articles and commentaries online, supplementing a necessary factor in intellectual growth with words on a screen. I still get sad sometimes, trying to communicate or pursue an idea knowing that it isn't a "politically" or "socially" appropriate one.
Intelligent individuals are more likely to binge drink. Intelligent individuals are more likely to develop mental health issues. Some intelligent individuals lack "social intelligence," which Dr. Ronald Riggio refers to as "the key to career and life success." These potential hang-ups affect the ability for these people to prosper and thrive.
So where does this leave me and people like me?
Honestly, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure that out. I've done better at surrounding myself with PhDs and professionals that I know are worlds smarter than me. I'm doing a better job at reading and learning both about the struggles of other intelligent people and that there are a lot of people that are way smarter than I will ever be
Even given what progress I've made, I have no regrets. If our worldview and ideas aren't rooted in truth and experience, words and even ideas themselves start to mean nothing.
I would rather struggle with difficult realities than drown myself in happy, little lies.