Getting the Average Man to Therapy
What’s the issue with modern masculinity?
In specific cohorts of media, whether broadcast or social, you generally hear three different narratives. The two most prominent include one that argues that the modern man is emotionally and physically weak and desperately needs to toughen up, and another that argues that men are toxic, socially reprehensible, and the gravest threat to global security. The third, a much less prominent narrative (but fortunately, is gaining more attention), is one that seems to draw connections between these two other narratives; it argues that many forms of masculinity, while not inherently evil, hurt people, including men themselves, and that men need to prioritize self-compassion and emotional vulnerability to progress as a social cohort. Such progress may help to correct some of the hindrances and structural issues that masculinity and patriarchy has caused throughout history, effects from which still wreak havoc in many ways.
Unfortunately, this narrative faces a lot of pushback from all sides. The fact that it mentions the existence of masculine emotions is a problem for some; the fact that it prioritizes masculine struggle is a problem for others. Like most things, this splits down political lines. Generally, conservatives push for the narrative that favors a strong male and active patriarchy. Leftists, on the other hand, push for the narrative that men are inherently toxic, and that masculine struggle is a myth perpetuated by so-called Men’s Rights Activists (MRAs) to deflect from the existence of a patriarchy.
This writing is not so much an effort to negate either of those, but rather to consider another idea. It should not be political to mention that men are struggling. (Side note: People, in general, struggle. This writing will focus on those that identify as men, but it is not to downplay the struggle of women, trans people, and nonbinary people.) This is not just an opinion. Nearly 80 percent of all successful suicides are men. While women have higher documented rates of depression, many scholars attribute this to that fact that men do not typically seek help and therefore lack any diagnosis. Only 15 percent of men seek treat treatment for their mental health issues, despite over of 30 percent of men reporting struggling with mental health symptoms.
So the question that’s worth asking is, why don’t men seek help?
The reasons are plentiful and often intertwingle, and the extent of their effects are often nuanced and specific to each individual. But Man Therapy, a resource and advocacy group that exists to prevent suicide for high-risk men, lists some specific reasons that are generally true across populations:
Men are disproportionately unwilling to even acknowledge mental health problems, and are often unwilling to communicate feelings and emotional issues.
Men often associate emotional vulnerability with weakness.
Gender role socialization often prioritizes competitiveness, aggression, and emotional isolation as masculine identifiers.
Men are often raised to be caregivers and providers; this inherently puts masculinity at odds with seeking care, even when they are unable to provide it for themselves (let alone others).
Stigma is maintained by nearly every social group, including other men and even many women who otherwise preach a desire for masculine vulnerability. (A perfect explanatory clip comes from Brené Brown, who was confronted with this idea when a father buying her book for his wife and daughters argued that they would rather see him “die on his white horse than see me fall down.” Again, these were women buying a book from Dr. Brown, a researcher who champions vulnerability. Ideally, if any woman should understand the idea of vulnerability, it should be the woman who reads books by Dr. Brown.)
The above list is nearly comprehensive; however, I think there is one point missing. Another issue facing men, and truly, society at large, is the stigmatization of career choice. The genderization of careers, in general, is unfortunate. That many caring professions are inherently considered feminine is not just destructive to the profession, but to many individuals who would benefit from seeking services from said profession.
As Richard Reeves argues in his book, Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do about It, many caring fields (from education to health care to mental health) are woefully understaffed and underfunded. In part, this is because half of the entire population is stigmatized from entering the profession.
“The goal is not to make professions like nursing, social work, mental health, or teaching seem like masculine rather than feminine ones, but to emphasize a range of opportunities that they can provide for both men and women. We don’t need to make men feel like being a nurse will somehow bolster their masculinity, just that it will not diminish it.”
This stigma inherently carries over to those considering seeking help from these professions, worst of all, mental health.
Likewise, many young men report that their elementary through high school education was comprised almost entirely of female teachers. At the elementary level, men make up only 11 percent of educators. This means that millions of young boys and men participate in public spaces that feature no male caretaker or aspirational figure. This vastly impacts young men, as they are significantly less likely to witness a male adult interact patiently and compassionately with other young people. Additionally, the young boys with no father figure in their private life are further deprived of any male guardianship within their educational spaces.
So what can be done about this?
It starts with what the average individual man can control, which is to reject the perpetuation of the stigmatization. Men can start small by being honest with themselves about their own needs, and encourage their close friends and family to consider this, too.
Men also need to reconcile with the idea of societal patriarchy as harmful to men, as well. The patriarchy perpetuates high regard for traits such as aggression and competition, which further fatigue men and heightens hostility and turmoil. While patriarchy has historically benefitted men in the political realm, the individual man is significantly harmed by it.
Men can also pursue careers within these caring fields and/or actively participate in their community in ways that place them in direct contact with young men. In doing so, an environment of compassion and vulnerability can be fostered early on in the lives of these men. This is more likely to break the cycle of toxicity and limit the effects of intergenerational stigma.
It won’t happen overnight, and it won’t happen on its own. But we need to start somewhere. So long as these patterns continue, many men will continue to die.
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If you’re struggling with thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 or visit https://988lifeline.org/.
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Header photo courtesy of Nik Shuliahin.